Dear Karen, This is going to be my first christmas without my dad, and I am having trouble getting into the christmas spirit. He has only been gone 8 months. Please help. Vickie

Vickie,

Thank you so much for contacting me.  I can only imagine how hard it is to think about this first Christmas without your father. 

I wish I had some words to make it seem less overwhelming, but I don’t.  Part of the reason Christmas can be such a difficult time for grief is that the loss of a love one leaves a hole in your heart.  Everyday life leaves tons of reminders of the ache inside that has come from the loss but the holidays bring traditions.  And with traditions come the expectation for consistency and normalcy that the absence of your love one denies.  Things are not normal.  They can be blaringly different.  Christmas often brings a renewed sense that your dad’s “suppose” to be there.

Coping with grief is very individual.  Some days you want to be alone and others you want to be with a friend or family.  Maybe there are times you feel like talking about your dad yet other times you’d rather no one mentioned your loss.  Another thing about the holidays is that family members come together and everyone is grieving in there own ways.  One family member may want to do something different this year so the absence of your dad is not as obvious.  Other family members want to keep traditions the same because the consistency gives them comfort.  It’s hard to talk about the fears of the holidays but it’s not a bad idea.  Ask the other family members what they’re dreading about this Christmas and each of you think about what would help you get through the holidays.  Be together? Be alone.  Talk about dad or not?  Do something new or be consistent?

You might think about the expectations both friends and family members may have for you.  The holidays always bring expectations of parties, gift giving, decorating, etc.  You get to choose.  Any of these things that do not add joy and peace to your Christmas season, you get to pass on.  Tell folks you’ll be at an event if you feel up to it.  Buy the presents you feel motivated to buy. Decorate the things that add pleasure to your days.  It’s OK to tell others, “Not this year.” 

Lastly, and I really do believe this, in the midst of all the fears and sadness and confusion of this first Christmas without your dad, you might find Christ in a new and meaningful way.  Never has there been a Christmas that you needed Him more and this Christmas He wants to be closer to you than ever before.  God sent His Son to earth the first Christmas because He knew how much you were going to need the Christ Child this Christmas.  Try and think of the true meaning of Christmas: the gift of a Son so that in your hardest days you can rest in the strength of His loving arms.  Try and seek the wellspring of love that awaits you this Christmas at the manger of our Savior.

I pray that in the midst of the pain of your loss Christ reveals Himself to you in the most glorious ways.  When you need Jesus most, He wants to be with you more.

Blessings,

Karen Tripp MS        Speaker, Author, Counselor

To learn more about Karen’s First Christmas After grief CD go to http://store.godisbiggerthan.com/music.   It is a beautiful collection of 9 carols sung by AriSon and 9 devotions written by Karen, designed to provide the comfort and reassurance many grieving people need their first Christmas without  their loved one.

Things I have learned from grieving people…

grieving can cause a physical ache.  Did you know that?  It’s true.  With no other obvious cause, a doctor might call it stress.  But if you are the one that lost a love one, you know the pain is your grief. 

Some folks feel it in their chest, stomach or even over their heart.  When we see someone we care for grieving deeply it’s easy to sense the emotional pain they are experiencing.  We may see grief in their tears or loss of appetite or lack of feelings or even their frustration and confusion but you can’t see a physical ache. After hearing person after person describe the pain their body feels when they are grieving, it’s easy to understand where the term “heartbreak” comes from. 

This is just one of the many things I have discovered from listening to people share their grief.  Why is their pain such a secret?  Is it because they have such difficulty sharing or that we have such difficulty hearing?  Yes. No. Both?  I can’t see any simple answers.

But I know that when someone is grieving timing is everything.  We need to let those we care for know that we are willing to open ourselves up to hearing their grief and seeing their pain.  The thing is, you can’t make an offer like that only once and mean it.  If you truely want to support someone through their grief, you need to offer to be there repeatedly, and consistently.  The first time you offer they probably won’t hear you and if they do hear you they won’t grasp what you are offering.  So just be around.  Pop in, drop a note, leave a message and send up a prayer.  Then offer again. The more popping, dropping, leaving and praying you have done, the more likely they’ll grasp what you are offering and maybe, just maybe, they will be in a place on that day, at that time to share with you their grief.    What a blessing.  Not to them…but to you.

Karen Tripp MS

Speaker, Author, Counselor