Dear Karen, This is going to be my first christmas without my dad, and I am having trouble getting into the christmas spirit. He has only been gone 8 months. Please help. Vickie

 Vickie,

 Thank you so much for contacting me.  I can only imagine how hard it is to think about this first Christmas without your father. 

I wish I had some words to make it seem less overwhelming, but I don’t.  Part of the reason Christmas can be such a difficult time for grief is that the loss of a love one leaves a hole in your heart.  Everyday life leaves tons of reminders of the ache inside that has come from the loss but the holidays bring traditions.  And with traditions come the expectation for consistency and normalcy that the absence of your love one denies.  Things are not normal.  They can be blaringly different.  Christmas often brings a renewed sense that your dad’s “suppose” to be there.

Coping with grief is very individual.  Some days you want to be alone and others you want to be with a friend or family.  Maybe there are times you feel like talking about your dad yet other times you’d rather no one mentioned your loss.  Another thing about the holidays is that family members come together and everyone is grieving in there own ways.  One family member may want to do something different this year so the absence of your dad is not as obvious.  Other family members want to keep traditions the same because the consistency gives them comfort.  It’s hard to talk about the fears of the holidays but it’s not a bad idea.  Ask the other family members what they’re dreading about this Christmas and each of you think about what would help you get through the holidays.  Be together? Be alone.  Talk about dad or not?  Do something new or be consistent?

You might think about the expectations both friends and family members may have for you.  The holidays always bring expectations of parties, gift giving, decorating, etc.  You get to choose.  Any of these things that do not add joy and peace to your Christmas season, you get to pass on.  Tell folks you’ll be at an event if you feel up to it.  Buy the presents you feel motivated to buy. Decorate the things that add pleasure to your days.  It’s OK to tell others, “Not this year.” 

Lastly, and I really do believe this, in the midst of all the fears and sadness and confusion of this first Christmas without your dad, you might find Christ in a new and meaningful way.  Never has there been a Christmas that you needed Him more and this Christmas He wants to be closer to you than ever before.  God sent His Son to earth the first Christmas because He knew how much you were going to need the Christ Child this Christmas.  Try and think of the true meaning of Christmas: the gift of a Son so that in your hardest days you can rest in the strength of His loving arms.  Try and seek the wellspring of love that awaits you this Christmas at the manger of our Savior.

 I pray that in the midst of the pain of your loss Christ reveals Himself to you in the most glorious ways.  When you need Jesus most, He wants to be with you more.

Blessings,

Karen

   

 

 

6/30/09 Dear Karen,

Hello,
I have a relationship question..
Well, my ex and I have history-we’ve known each other so long, and I know him so well.
He’s broken up with me numerous times througout the past several years, but we have been broken up 4 years now.
He and i have both been in other relationships (mine breifer thn his)and he has led me to believe that he wants things to work out, but then he changes his mind so much. Now he and I are both single but he claims he’s not ready to be in a relationship. He bounces back and forth between me and some other girl. This girl doesn’t want to be with him but plays on his emotions, kind of like he does to me. He knows I still love him, and I know he uses that to his advantage. I know all this, yet I still lovehim. It’s been years and he still knows what to do and what to say to keep me hanging oaround. My friends say he wants me around “just in case”and in case osmething else doesn’t work out.
He sometimes makes fun of me, and doesn’t really call me. Lately the only way we communicate is if I call HIM. I make most of the efforts tohang out. He doesn’t even have any repsect for me anymore. I guess he figures I’ll put up with anything anyway. so he doesn’t have to try. What can I do to get him back, and have him respect me too??
I have been reading numerous books on the subject and they don’t seem to be working for me. The books say that I should “be patient.” and “work on myself” and have confidence.
I mean, I would like your advice.
My friend gives me the same phrase all the time..
“Fool me once, shame on you…fool me twice, shame on me…”
kind of makes you wonder what they think about people who’ve been fooled several times…doesn’t it????
signed, T.

Dear T,

 I can tell you really love your ex but don’t you wish loving someone could be easy?  Unfortunately, love is complicated.  But it helps to know what is involved in loving someone and what is not.  Love is not dependence.  Love is being able to feel complete even if the other person is not.  Love is still having a good day when the other person is having a bad day. 

Love is not about needing someone.  Love is about setting expectations of how you want to be treated and feeling complete enough that you stand by it.  It’s like saying “I love you but in order for me to be something worth loving, I need you to love me in this way.”  Maybe it’s an expectation that they call you, that they come to see you, that they show concern if they haven’t seen you for a while because they’re concerned something happened to you.  Maybe it’s them showing that they miss you and cherish you.  These are all expectations we have for the people that love us that show us that they value us as someone worth loving. 

 Love is not “I’ll love you no matter what.”  Every relationship is either doing things to grow closer together or further away.  Maybe there will be a part of you that will always love a person that is not treating you as someone worth loving, but each day your loving relationship is either drawing closer or further away.

 You are worth loving in the dearest most profound way.  You set the stage for how you should be loved.  Set some expectations in your mind of how you believe you should be treated by those that love you. Maybe write them down.  Share them with your ex so he knows what you are worth and what it takes for you to be loved.  This will do one of two things.  It will either clarify to him what he needs to do to love you and he begins to do it or by him not doing it he is clarifying for you his inability to show love.  HOWEVER, his reaction is not a statement about whether or not you are lovable.  God made each of us a treasure.  That certainly means you.

I pray you find the healing you need.

Karent

5/18/09 Dear Karen,

Are you a cancer survivor?

Ginny

Dear Ginny,

Thanks for asking about my relationship to cancer.  I am not a survivor.  My father is a 16 year survivor of Colon cancer and my step mother died from breast cancer back in 1992.  Since the release of God is Bigger Than Your Cancer, I have been asked if I am a cancer survivor a lot.  At first I felt embarrassed to say I was not.  “Who am I to write about cancer?”  But then I realized that the totally honest answer about why I wrote the book is that God lead me to write about cancer.  I knew I wanted to write books that dealt with the specific needs of a person when they are hurting emotionally.  I made a list of topics and somehow I kept being lead back to cancer.  Then God placed those amazing 4 people in my path to put in the book and I was off and writing!

 Now  in addition to my private practice, I also work with cancer survivors and their families in support groups for the Wellness Community here in St Louis as well as for local churches.

Thanks again for asking.  I pray my books have blessed you and those you love.

 Karent

    10/26/08 Dear Karen,

I was diagnosed with cancer last February.  Two weeks ago my doctor said I was cancer free.  Of course I am happy and relieved but I’m still exhausted.  My friends from church are planning a celebration party for me, but I don’t want to go.  I know that sound selfish and ridiculous but it’s true.  I just need more time.  How can I help them understand?

Cindy

Cindy,

Many cancer survivors feel the same things you are feeling.  Just because your doctor says you are cancer free does not mean that your body is completly recovered, not to mention your emotions.   Doctors say that recovering from the fatigue of cancer treatment may last at least as long at the treatment itself.  Some survivors report it taking over a year to get their energy back. 

Your friends sound wonderful and I’d bet you feel very blessed to have them, but you need to take control of your recovery; that includes this party.  Help them to understand that while you appreciate them, you need to do things on your own time schedule and in your own way.  Perhaps ou could think of other ways they can still be involved in caring for you other than the party.

Surviving cancer is a great victory but it’s OK to celebrate in your own way and in your own time.

Congratulations,

Karent

9/16/07 Dear Karen,

My husband is receiving treatment for prostate cancer.  Although there are times I know he is feeling miserable, he rarely complains and is not at all not demanding.   The problem is that he says so little about how he feels that I am unable to help him.  There’s a tension in the house.  I’m unsure what medication would be helpful when, or when he wants to be alone and when he needs company.  I’m even unsure of his pain level at times.  The last thing I want to do is put more pressure on him, but I’m concerned I’m not caring for him properly.  Help!

Pat

Pat,

There are no easy answers but there is one thing I do know, your stress can only add to his stress.  The lack of communicating about his needs is raising your stress level and in it’s own way, his stress level too.  He probably does not realize that his lack of communicating is a problem.  Instead of asking specific questions: “How do you feel?” or “Can I get you anything?”, try talking about not talking.  It may take more than one attempt, but sharing your needs with him can help to relieve the tension.  It’s hard because the focus has been on his needs since the diagnosis, not yours.  Don’t underestimate the importance of your piece of mind in his recovery.

He’s lucky to have you..

Karent

8/24/07 Dear Karen,

There is a preschooler in my class that throws temper tantrums everytime the mother is in the room.  The tantrums happen at both pick up and drop off times.  I have spoken to the mother about this but this seems to have made things worse because the mother continues to stay in the classroom until the child calms down.  This can take up to 25-30 minutes.  Any suggestions?

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Do you ever wonder if a childcare workers job is to educate the children or the parents?  This is a perfect situation to see that it’s both.  Since speaking to the mother did not improve the situation, I’d suggest meeting with the mother to arrange a new drop off and pick up procedure.  The goal is to not have the mother actually enter the classroom.  I’m sure she needs to sign her child in, but then she should leave her child at the door to the classroom.  Likewise, she should wait outside the classroom to pick up her child.  Don’t be surprised if the mom does not want to disengage from these daily dramas.  Some parents are uncomfortable leaving their children when they are distressed because they feel they are the only one to comfort them.  If the mother is resistant to this change, you may want to ask your administrator to back you up with the parent.   Since the temper tantrums seem to occur only around the mom, this should be a helpful solution.

Thanks for writing!

Karent